A “favorite person” (FP) in borderline personality disorder (BPD) describes someone to whom an individual with BPD relies the most for support and reassurance.
This bond can be profoundly emotional, often placing the FP at the center of the individual’s life.
However, while an FP bond may temporarily relieve feelings of anxiety, it can create a cycle of dependency that is often harmful to one or both people.
This article explores what it means to have a “favorite person” in BPD, the effects of this relationship, and whether a healthy BPD-FP relationship is possible.
An FP is someone to whom a person with borderline personality disorder (BPD) forms a strong attachment.
People with BPD fear abandonment, and the anxiety this causes can be highly stressful. An FP may help provide reassurance, temporarily easing these fears.
As a result, FPs become the person’s main source of support and comfort. However, according to a 2022 data mining study, the intensity of the relationship often seems to cause further problems, resulting in dependency, fear of rejection, or eventually, the breakdown of the relationship.
The BPD-FP relationship can take many forms. An FP may be a:
- friend
- romantic partner
- family member
- therapist
- teacher
It is important to note that BPD-FP relationships are not deliberate. They develop spontaneously, and those with BPD often report that it feels out of their control.
Additionally, not everyone with BPD has this type of relationship, and FP-like relationships can occur with other types of personality disorders.
Someone with BPD may have an FP if they have made one person the focal point of their life and rely on them heavily for support.
They may often find themselves thinking about or hoping to see their FP much more than they do anyone else. They may also feel very happy when receiving the FP’s attention but feel anxious when they are not.
Other potential signs of a BPD-FP relationship could include:
- frequently seeking the person’s approval or guidance
- feeling abandoned if the individual is unavailable or unresponsive
- fluctuating between extreme admiration and dismissal of the FP, also known as “splitting”
- attempting to please or adapt to the FP’s desires to maintain closeness
- feeling increasingly anxious about the FP leaving them
- feeling as though they cannot live without them
Signs of being the FP
On the other side, a person who is themselves an FP may notice a few distinct behaviors that indicate their role in the relationship. The FP might observe that the individual with BPD:
- is in very frequent contact with them
- seems overly invested in the relationship, at times making significant sacrifices for it or expecting them to do the same
- has intense emotional reactions when the FP spends time with others or does not reply to messages and calls
- perceives the setting of boundaries as a rejection
FPs may also share certain traits that predispose them to this relationship. In a 2022 study, people with BPD often described their FP as:
- caring
- understanding
- always there to support them
At first, the FP may not realize their role but may notice that their actions disproportionately affect the other person’s emotional state.
While people with BPD can derive benefits from an FP, the intensity of their feelings also comes with risks for the involved individuals.
The attachment is insecure, meaning that the more someone comes to rely on an FP, the more afraid they will become of the FP leaving or rejecting them.
This is a feature of many relationships those with BPD have, but feelings about the FP appear stronger, according to the 2022 study.
As a result, if the person with BPD feels the FP is pulling away, they may:
This places a lot of pressure on the FP, which could also affect their mental health. Ultimately, this could lead to the breakdown of the relationship.
It is unclear if a healthy BPD-FP relationship is possible, as there is not much research on the topic.
A 2022 study says BPD-FP relationships are “often dysfunctional,” according to the accounts of people with BPD online. However, this may not capture the full range of BPD-FP relationships, as the study used published stories from individuals who publicly talk about BPD.
That said, unstable and volatile relationships are a key characteristic of BPD. Treatment can help people with BPD recognize their attachment patterns and form more balanced relationships with others.
Similarly, an FP needs to understand that they cannot be wholly responsible for the other person’s well-being, nor can they heal their BPD. It is a complex condition that often requires treatment by a professional.
Some things that may help someone with BPD, or an FP, create a healthier relationship include:
- Boundaries: Both individuals should discuss their needs and limitations, setting clear boundaries to prevent misunderstandings.
- Communicate openly: Check-ins allow both individuals to express concerns or stresses before they escalate.
- Self-care: Individuals with BPD need to practice self-care and spend time with others beyond the BPD-FP relationship.
- Seek professional support: Treatment, including types of psychotherapy, can be beneficial in building skills to cope with intense emotions.
People with BPD are not inherently abusive. However, feelings of abandonment or rejection may sometimes cause them to use harmful behavior to try to keep the relationship going. This may include manipulation, or in some cases, abuse.
Signs that a BPD-FP relationship may be abusive include:
- isolating the FP from their other relationships
- frequent emotional “tests” or manipulation to gauge loyalty or to restore the relationship, such as creating situations where the FP must “prove” their dedication
- emotional manipulation or guilt-tripping when the FP spends time with others
- passive-aggressive or jealous behavior
- outbursts of anger
- threats to harm themselves as a means of getting what they want
If an FP notices these behaviors, they need to seek advice from a domestic abuse organization and plan a way to safely leave the relationship when they can.
If a person with BPD notices they are doing them, they must stop and talk with their doctor or therapist right away.
Help is available
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger of domestic violence, call 911 or otherwise seek emergency help. Anyone who needs advice or support can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 via:
- phone, at 800-799-7233
- text, by texting START to 88788
Many other resources are available, including helplines, in-person support, and temporary housing. People can find local resources and others classified by demographics, such as support specifically for People of Color, here:
Anyone who feels distressed by a relationship can seek help from a therapist, whether they have BPD or think they may be in a BPD-FP relationship.
Therapists, especially those specializing in BPD and attachment, can offer valuable insights and coping strategies to manage the intense emotions and problems that may arise in these relationships.
Individuals with BPD may benefit from dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). These therapeutic techniques provide tools for managing emotional responses and building healthier relationships.
For those who believe they may be the FP, consulting a therapist can also be helpful in understanding the dynamics and establishing healthy boundaries.
Help is out there
If you or someone you know is in crisis and considering suicide or self-harm, please seek support:
- Call or text the 988 Lifeline at 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. Caring counselors are available to listen and provide free and confidential support 24/7.
- Text HOME to the Crisis Text Line at 741741 to connect with a volunteer crisis counselor for free and confidential support 24/7.
- Not in the United States? Find a helpline in your country with Befrienders Worldwide.
- Call 911 or your local emergency services number if you feel safe to do so.
If you’re calling on behalf of someone else, stay with them until help arrives. You may remove weapons or substances that can cause harm if you can do so safely.
If you’re not in the same household, stay on the phone with them until help arrives.
A “favorite person” (FP) in borderline personality disorder (BPD) refers to someone with whom a person with BPD forms an intense attachment.
While this relationship may temporarily ease loneliness or fears of abandonment, it can lead to dependency and negative behaviors.
People with BPD may experience intense changes in mood depending on their FP’s actions, risking emotional distress if the FP withdraws.
Building a healthy relationship involves setting boundaries and taking steps to reduce dependency so the relationship is more balanced.
With support, people with BPD can foster healthier relationships with themselves and others, leading to a greater sense of emotional stability and well-being.
